jesus fucking christ it is 5:30 am and i've been lolling about in my bed since 1 fucking 30 am. guess what two songs are doing a mash-up in my head? duran duran's union of the snake and some song that i thought was from the animal house soundtrack that goes "reproduction (then in falsetto) reproduction", which drove me to post rather than insomniacide.
fuck.
shut the head off. shhhhhhhhhhh. my brain is speculating that the laryngitis i can't quite seem to shake is a giant ball of melanoma on my larynx, spreading to my lungs. but the thing is why the fuck would i want to go and have that confirmed? you see with me it's not about what it is or what it isn't, it's about i do not have one iota of interest in doctors, hospitals, surgery, radiation, or chemo. none of it. no thank you.
i don't write this like i'm some denyer or denier about my health, i've just had it. and if i'm gonna go, i want to be ambulatory and not depressed. neither of which i've been able to muster much of the past couple of years due to the stresses of doctors, surgeries etc etc.
i'm finally climbing out of one of the funkiest funks i've ever been in and am trying to take life day by day like the good wino i am. wink smiley face. i will see a doc if this persists much longer, but if it is something cancer related and surgery or some shitty treatment is suggested, having had four cancer related surgeries plus radiation, plus a depression the depths of which i'm only able to write about now (superficially that is) i'm just going to keep on with my day to day.
is there a make a wish foundation for adults?
dear make a wish,
i have stage 4 melanoma. my wish is to eat mushrooms with benicio del toro on a boat in the amazon while jack white plays guitar. i'll be at this number 555-555-5555 until saturday.
thanks!
nicole
instead i intend on planting a beautiful garden, riding my bike, walking my dog and being in touch with everyone i love and maybe eating a few good meals. oh, and i hope to get some shut-eye too.
No comments:
Post a Comment