you know you are getting old when

madonna is playing on the fucking golden oldies station.  i was on my way to the whole foods in urbondalay, when i found myself channel surfing at a red light and settled on a madonna song.  which madonna song?  at the moment i cannot recall, irrelevant.  what is relevant is that it was playing on the god damn golden oldies station.

my brother reminded me a few years back that i had made up my own lyrics to a track off her first album, it was to "borderline".  instead of "borderline, you just keep on pushin' my love over the borderline"  i sang, "pantyline, you just keep on pushin' my butt over the pantyline" and i had a dance i did too.  it was 1983 and i was 13 for fucksakes.  but i certainly hadn't categorized that memory as a golden oldie memory, until yesterday.

thanks yesterday.

then i do whole foods shopping, dreading the check out lane.  i dread it because they are chatty, but not in the good kind of chatty which would be "cool scarf" or "you look like you could use an irish car bomb" or "did a squirrel do your hair today?"

no they fucking ask the dumbest corporate questions that are the same exact questions the cashiers  everywhere ask, "did you find everything alright?" wtf?  if i hadn't i wouldn't be fucking in line checking out, i'd be asking where in the fuck is the lube to some poor stocker or the cat at the seafood counter.  i mean the cashiers' are already tallying your loot when they ask that question and who says "no, as a matter of fact i couldn't find the gluten free, fair trade, non-gmo, organic, mongolian snozberry kombucha?  where are you guys hiding that shit?  can you find it for me NOW?" and there's 3 folks in line behind you.  are they gonna hold up the line behind me to look for that bullshit?  that bullshit should've been taken care of pre-check-out time.

the second question they always ask, which is totally none of their business, "so, any special plans for the weekend?"  are you kidding me?  my mom used to ask me that question, and it felt the same as, "so are you dating anyone special?"  i nipped that one in the bud at trader joes by replying once, "nope just the usual, a lot of crying and masturbating, and not necessarily in that order".  radio silence.  i wish i had had that one in my arsenal for my mom back in the day.