frickin' seger got me. got me in the car driving with my windows down and trying to find a hit i could sing along to, and frickin seger's night moves comes on and fuck me runnin' if i didn't get nostalgic.
not for the song or seger but just for the feeling of running wild and free. when all you had to do was make sure you had a clean shirt for work the next day. oh night moves. i started this post days ago, sick with side effects from my last immunotherapy, plus suffering withdrawal from oxy that i thought i had properly tapered down, but knew something was amiss when the ONLY comfortable position i could find relief was to be in a push-up position with my hands on the ground, shoulder width apart and my feet on a yoga ball. talk about night fuckin' moves, you simply cannot sleep in that position. so i had my husband dress up like a zoo keeper or a game warden in an animal sanctuary and put me down- shoot me with a tranquilizer dart of 10mg of valium and an edible at 3am after zero sleep because i was so fucking sick and uncomfortable. i awoke to him kissing me goodbye at 7am on his way to work- i was curled up on the front porch swing where i had finally just passed out.
i had an appointment with mo for a consult and more poison in two days. he said "nope" to poison and instead pumped me full of saline to get me back on track and put me back on the killerz aka oxy but a much lower dosage. then he made me return two days later for an mri of my brain and then a consult.
i make the trip solo for the mri, take a valium prior to the scan, the tech asks me if there is any particular music i'd like to listen to, i say nina simone please, she asks if i would like a warmed blanket and a towel over my eyes, i say yes. 20 minutes later i am in mo's office.
he says "the mri looks great"
i say "that's good to hear, the surgery worked then"
mo says "yes, in conjunction with the immunotherapy it would seem so. you should be dead."
i say, "you mean because i would be dead if we hadn't found the brain tumor"
mo says "no, melanoma metastasis to the brain usually means certain death"
i say "wait, what?"
he repeated, "melanoma metastasis to the brain usually means certain death but your body is responding to the immunotherapy and you are in no man's land, you are in uncharted territory, you my dear are a miracle."
i'm just guessing my face conveyed confusion, and i say "i'm a miracle?"
mo said "say it again"
i said "i am a miracle?"
mo said "say it again"
i say "i am a miracle"
he walked over to me, i stood up we shook hands and half hugged and smiled at eachother.
i sat back down and the room was silent and i said "fuckin' A"
and mo smiled and said "i like you"
and i said "i like you too"
so i left the exam room with this information and made it to the restroom just before the big ugly oncology waiting room, and i cried and cried. tears of complete shock and joy. i'm sure those in the waiting room thought i had just been given terrible news, but au contraire. so i made a few phone calls and lit out for a pre-arranged jaunt through the countryside to see some of my favorite people. i stopped and had a beautiful afternoon with a dear friend of mine in cedar bluffs where we dipped our toes into the cedar river from her dock and ate cherries and drank a lovely bottle of rose.
i then shimmy-shammed further north towards the woods falcon farm where i've done nothing but soak up the sounds of the countryside; basked in the rays of the moon which is waxing like i thought my tumors were. here is a pic of the moon at gloaming and a little garden nymph:
i've delighted in the lightening bugs dance in the fields; eaten good food; laughed; slept like a baby; saw my first ever humingbird nest:
if you make a fist that's about the size of it, the nest is to the right and center in the above pic. and last night for the first time in months, well probably more like years i went to bed looking forward to today. because today i am going to pick cherries and make my pops and pete something for fathers' day tomorrow:
i am actually pleased i have more to do than just make sure i have a clean shirt to go to work in today. and as far as night moves go, if i recall correctly, i recall sitting on the can the morning after and replaying the night's before moves in my fuzzy head and it was more often than not cringe-worthy. so thanks but no thanks seger.
but i do wish to say thanks to all my friends and family who mean more to me than words can convey. may you have a wonderful weekend, and i hope you can get out and enjoy tthe delights of nature. the pictures of the morning glory and hollyhock were taken in our garden last week. and i suppose i should leave you with one last pic that has a little more spunk to it, a selfie i took the day after i was pumped full of saline and feeling good, i call it melanoma mows the lawn- dig it:
