NED. no evidence of disease is what came out of mo's mouth yesterday. my sister exclaimed "shut your face up!" from ventura, california when she heard the news. and i had said "shut the front door" to mo in iowa city, iowa when i first heard the news. and then as per usual i asked him to repeat it. he did. then he said there is about a 40% chance of late stage melanoma patients living disease free for 5 + years after beginning immunotherapy. compared to 5% just two years ago pre-immunotherapy drugs getting the nod from the fda.
i feel like i'm in a dream. and at an oncology oscar ceremony wearing a hospital gown and fran drescher calls my name so i'm up at the podium holding my golden statue of NED which is shaped like patrick swayze in dirty dancing where he is on his knees and his arms are in front of his body, but his palms are up giving the double bird. and at the base of the award it reads "i fucked cancer and all i got was this lousy statue". then i begin to give my speech which is cut short by kanye west jumping up on stage and saying kim kardashian should be receiving the award and not me. i protest "she doesn't even have cancer kanye" then the orchestra starts playing cuz they gotta shut crazy down and it is live tv, so the only other words i'm able to get out are "i'd like to thank bristol meyer squibb" cut to the commercial for opdivo.
yes thank you giant pharmaceutical company for advancing your empires so that i get to stick around and watch ugly (in mind body and spirit) old white men represent what they believe is good for the good ol' us of yay! i recommend that you don't watch. i stopped watching the shit show about 9 months ago and gave birth to NED, so i highly recommend going on a media fast.
it is just about 12 hours now since i heard the ned news, and it still hasn't fully sunk in. i awoke at 4am full of ideas for the future. i haven't allowed myself to do that in years.
but it isn't just the opdivo that got me here. it is my tribe. and since it is that time of year when indians- feather not dot should be grateful that they have anything at all and white men and women gorging themselves on turkey legs that never functioned as such because the turkey was too heavy to stand up, let alone run gobbling for their lives from the turkey cafo, are supposed to be grateful about things, i want you to know i too am grateful.
but it has nothing to do with the time of year. at this time words cannot convey how humbled i am by the graciousness and beauty i've witnessed from my tribe over the years. i intend to reinvent myself. thus the 4am wake up call. "paging nicole, nicole mcluen, get the fuck out of bed and go get you some life girl".
first thing on the agenda i gotta go to the dentist. cuz when you're dying you don't go to the dentist. at least i chose not to. second item.......???
oh btw i think the following is a conteneder for music to be played at my funeral. i mean i still will have a funeral someday, just maybe not tomorrow. i've had this album for 10 years and since leonard cohen died a few weeks ago it has been on heavy rotation in my head (cuz my cd is scratched to hell cuz i played the hell out of it). it's actually how i came to know leonard cohen's repertoire. i highly recommend the 2006 album it's leonard cohen -i'm your man, the documentary kind of sucks because i can't look at or listen to bono or the edge. but the artists that sing his poetry are spectacular and the musicians backing them, wowzers. if we ever drank together at my old apartment on 26th st. i bet we listened to it, and danced some. it is a reminder of where i've been, and where i thought i was going and now i need some time to sit with that.
for marge, marty's aunt who is today in the process of dying.
