chemo and james taylor

i spent three hours today at the hospital being poked with needles and filled with poison to combat the melanoma tumors that i can feel still growing despite this being my second treatment.  go fuck yourself melanoma.

i recall cavalierly writing awhile back that i didn't wish to do chemo.  but i wish to be alive.  but the downside of life with cancer and chemo is that the life i have is quite a departure from the life i'm willing to subject myself to in order to stay alive.  and i have to reconcile that i am trading death for feeling queasy, peeing out my ass, fatigued and mostly bummed.  fair trade?  i guess.  for now.

i barely slept last night, i laid awake thinking about how sad it must be for my family to accompany me to the hospital.  and then i got sad.

but then i thought about how nice it is spending time with my family.  we've had conversations that are more honest than i probably would've ever had if i hadn't been diagnosed with cancer.  family members' that would never dine together due to break ups and divorce all gather at my table like we are all one great big family.  it's kind of nice.

and i consider my friends as family.  wow.  my friends have been generous with their time, their concern, their humor and their pocketbooks.  and i am humbled by you.  it makes me feel like maybe i'm not such a douche after all.  but i don't know how to repay your kindness other than to simply say thank you.

thank you.

today my dad accompanied me to treatment.  he drives a different route than my mom does when she accompanies me.  my dad just gets us there.  my mom acts like she forgets how to get there, everytime.  we've been going to the same hospital since 2009.

so my dad and i goto breakfast after treatment and i am able to choke down a little bit of food when a james taylor song comes over the loudspeaker.  and i leaned in and said to my dad, "if james taylor were here right now i'd stab him in the cheek with my fork, i fucking hate james taylor" and i pretended to stab myself in the cheek with my fork.

my dad looked at me, smiled and said "i wonder if that's genetic?  because i can't stand james taylor either."

 

it's a good day to be alive.

cum on ilene

new years day i awoke to that insipid ear worm of a shit song.  and again today groundhog's day.

2016 should be good as it started on a friday.  but so far it is fairly shitty.

scan in december showed good results results.  then a few weeks later i felt another tumor.  "we will have to amputate the left side of your torso but good news you don't really need your left side to live a rich and fulfilling life, you just need a side" said ben carson.

the chemo is fatiguing.  and edibles aren't notorious as a stimulant.  i need mama's lil' helper, i feel the need

so i've made it to caucus time in iowa.  jesus who to caucus for?  i'd rather caucus for potato ole's to be president and the shitty cheese sauce as vp than this lot of ego maniacs.  but i will caucus god dammit.  i upped my chemo because another tumor is on the rise.  what is also on the rise are crazy candidate ads vyying for votes.  huckabee's latest ad is nuts and left me speechless, huckabee actually took this ad down but other entities had already reported on it so here is an abbreviated version, it is a gem:

if i were to vote based on commercials it would be huckabee.  but i think we disagree on a lot of things.  but the truth of the matter in this primary season is the presidential race is bs.  local and state races matter more.  but less voters participate.  and now because of all the dark money allowable by law, we get a bunch of corporate schills and a bonus adult baby billionaire vyying for our vote.

and yet through all this i gotta deal with melanoma.  it used to be about once a year i'd have a scare and subsequent surgery.  now surgery is off the table as six weeks past my last surgery a tumor surfaced in the exact fucking spot where the surgeon operated.  so now i'm onto chemo and immunotherapy.  well the chemo worked for a minute until it didn't and now what felt like a marble last week is a racquetball in my groin which is affecting my gait and my non-existent sex life and i have bruising all over my inner thigh and i'm in pain and back on shitty painkillers.

i have a scan scheduled for today and of course i feel like it will see its' shadow, but aside from that there is a blizzard warning and the radioactive goo comes from omaha and due to weather the scan may not happen so i may have to be patient and wait another day or two.  fucking blows.

caucused last night.  kind of fun.  i caucused for baby boy bilionaire bloviator.  no i didn't.  i caucused for the candidate that has the potential to put an end to the testicle festival.  there have been 44 men who have occupied the oval office, that's 88 ball sacs.  sick of sacs.  also i will be 45 march 2nd, and well this election will decide who will be the 45th prez......so the lady won my vote, and my particular caucus.

i'm less and less involved with politics due to being more and more disillusioned by all the dark money in it.  i used to get off on it, not to mention i was kind of good at it.  in fact i was part of a piece on nbc back when i first got involved.  toot toot.  not that big of a deal but thought it was the appropriate time to share.

so consider doing something civic minded today:  help an old lady across the street, shovel your neighbors walk, or tea-bag an old man's ball sac.  so many options, so little time.