as i opened my computer i realized today is my mom and husband's anniversary. they used to tell me i was the only "kid" that tended to recognize them. well probably not this year.
we had a great big blowout a few days ago, that is my mom's husband and i. let's back up about a year and a half ago, so the summer of 2017.
in the summer of 2017 i mentioned that perhaps an online cognitive test was in order, i had heard about it from doing some research online about early signs of dementia, because it seemed that my mom was displaying some cognitive behaviors that seemed not like her. apparently, a person takes the test online, prints out the answers and then that piece of paper is taken to the persons GP to be interpreted. this was met with, "well are YOU going to take the test?", i said if that's what it takes i will. which to me is like the equivalent of me having said 10 years ago pre-melanoma, 'well are YOU going to have YOUR mole biopsied?"
needless to say nothing happened. so now it's 2019 and there have been more and more incidents albeit small, but in my mind telling. but then there was this, i had a scan a few weeks back and got the results via phone later that day. i shared the results, which were "stable" with my mom and we embraced and talked for a few minutes about it. the very next evening she asks if i've gotten the results from the scan? i had to brace myself and had learned from a dementia class not to betray that you've already discussed this matter previously, so i leaned against the wall and said yeah, yeah, it's good news it's stable. you see what troubles me about this exchange regarding my cancer, is that my mom knows more about my cancer, my appointments than i do.
something is definetely happening. and on top of this my family is fractured, this person isn't talking to this person and that person isn't talking with that person and i feel stuck in the middle and a victim of other people's shit because it means they and their kids don't come around for the holidays or barbecues etc. and so this year, because of my mom's i don't know what to call it, cognitive slips, undiagnosed, i wanted to revive a family tradition of making lefsa which died for us whaen my grandma died 18 years ago. we were in my mom's kitchen talking about how fun it was and how time consuming and how grandma did it herself for so many years. whaen my mom's husband arrived in the kitchen things took a turn.
i asked him what his ideal christmas looked like? you'd think i asked him what it looked like when he mutilated that puppy (which didn't happen). he said i don't know what does your ideal christmas look like? i said one where the whole family is around and that i wanted to gather everyone. he said i was to do no such thing. i'm pretty sure i told him he sounded like an asshole. then my mom left the room, and i took the opportunity to say, you know i'm doing all of this for mom, because i want her to have this before something drastic happens. he said, "she only behaves like that when you're around" translation, i cause her to display symptoms of mild dementia. this is not the first time he has said this to me. so i asked him to repeat it, and he emphatically stated at no other times does she behave like she has mild dementia unless i am around. so blames me for the behavior. i told him to fuck off and he told me to grow up.
this is truly upsetting, on many levels, and now it seems that three of the four siblings have been alienated from our parental figures, some by their own hand and obstinance. and others because too much time has passed and it feels like the new normal. one of my siblings won't even answer my calls and i haven't done anything, just caught up in the cannonball of shit guilty by association. and now me, perhaps i am alienating myself, but i certainly don't want to be around a guy so full of fear and denial that he blames me for what is an ungoddamndiagnosed disease.
merry fucking christmas.
i didn't want to bring any of this up to my mom, because i didn't want her to feel like she had to choose between me, her daughter, and her husband. but guess who ran to her? so she confronts me about why would i say things like her having dementia? and that she takes those things very seriously because many of her friends etc are dealing with it, either have it or are caretakers of someone with it. i brought up the scan results, and some other things, she said "it sounds like you're putting words in my mouth", which is when i realized this conversation is futile. and then i told her what do i have to gain by bringing this up?and how upset i was with her husband and she agreed that he should've never said that. it's been five days and not a peep from either one of them, well i did check in with my mom and told her i loved her because i am devastated by the prospect of her feeling bad about something she may or may not have control over. but radio silence from her husband. and christmas is around the corner, and it will take a fucking miracle to get this shit straightened before then.
but the good news is, i don't have cancer at the moment. that's the takeaway miracle i guess. so you win some and you lose some.
Thursday, December 19, 2019
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
