cancer is easier

cancer is easier than life.  cancer is easier because it provides focus.  demands focus.  provides a purpose, for everyone around you even if the person is clueless as to how to proceed with you with cancer, there is this underlying tug at your intentions informing you to do something, act in a certain way.

cancer is easier than life.  perhaps that's just how i feel.  i sincerely feel that way and cancer is/was a bitch.  A BITCH.  i think i'm struggling with some ptsd, and my marriage still has some tepid water in the bathtub but has basically all but swirled down the drain.  and i do not know how to proceed.  my insurance is with my husband, he is the primary provider of everything, food, shelter, health insurance and misery.

i began writing this post 6 months ago.  and life hasn't gotten any easier.  an update is i am facing scans tomorrow, which is always hard.  my marriage as far as i am concerned is over.  i used to think that maybe a little time apart would provide some space that might allow for my husband to see me as a human being and thereby have empathy for me as not only a human being but as a spouse.  but he inflicts harm and then says it is my fault for allowing it to happen.  well you see i believed him when he said he loved me and it is that love i thought he was displaying when i was really sick, and that love became the ether i was running on, so of course i've been hurt by the person who portended to love me.  but he set me straight.  he told me a week ago august 7th that he never loved me.  he thought it was the responsible thing to do, marry me and pretend.  that admission caused me great distress.  then 12 hours later he said it wasn't true and that he loved me.

he has nuked our marriage and then came back to the village and torched it.

all the while i'm trying to get my sea legs back to get on with my life.  i am shaken and freaked out and trying to make sense of this thing called life, and with the recent events in charlottesville and what looks like a potential civil war as well as a potential world war i am depressed.  i haven't left the house in three days.  there is a spot on my head where i had brain surgery last year that is sore and itchy.  scares the fuck out of me.  wanted to tell my husband, but he doesn't care.  and i fear that i have become a person that nobody wants to be around, because there is always something of a downer going on.  that or it is because my husband seemingly can't stand me, so i assume i am burdensome on others which is why i haven't shared in a long time.

but there is a glimmer of sunlight.  it is the realization that i am not alone.  i have some of the greatest friends and family.  even my husband remarked one time at a gathering, "you have some really great friends".  i do.  and i almost wrote i don't deserve them.  but that's not true.  what i've come to realize recently is that we are mirrors to eachother, and that most of the time good begets good.  and that i have been a good friend to most to receive such an outpouring of generosity and love back from my friends.  to you my dear friends, thank you.  i think it is part of why i am still here.  i have more to give you and to life.  i must be doing something right, because i am receiving that stranger love like no other, you know what i mean?  strangers that don't even know your story or even your name but are willing to go out of their way to help you.  i've had it in spades this week alone.  and it couldn't come at a better time.  a time of great uncertainty for me personally and for all of us collectively.

i am writing this because it makes me feel less alone and less overwhelmed, by seemingly putting things into perspective.  there's a lot of discord out there, but there is also a lot of love.  and i've seen and felt both lately.  now is not the time to insulate, or isolate and i am doing my damndest not to.  it is the reason for this post.  i had to get this out otherwise my fears would become reality, and i am stronger than that.  no more unnecessary suffering.  

so what if i have another brain tumor?  sigh.  i sure as shit hope not.

please takeaway from this the knowledge that i am slowly sculpting a new life for myself.  even though i feel like a toddler with adult problems, that include but are not limited to the following: a proclivity for too much drink and like of drugs; jobless; homeless, and a wicked case of adult onset post traumatic stress of cancer and husband attention defecit disorder.  here's a visual for you- picture a drunken peter dinklage pinballing off the walls.  except he'd probably get an oscar for it.