neo-moticons

i fucking loathe emoticons (insert pinched yellow face).

i think they are akin to a 2nd grade teacher writing "good job shelby" with a red sharpie and a smiley face : ) on shelby's spelling test.  my husband uses a lot of emoticons in his emails and texts, so i asked him why?  he says it is sometimes hard to infer the tone of a text or email, and emoticons can be employed to help convey a feeling of an otherwise flat message.

so i said "ok, are you telling me that when i texted you 'i love you' sans emoticon, you didn't get the sentiment?"  what the fuck have people been doing for centuries writing long love letters across continents and oceans expressing their undying love for one another, doing it without emoticons.  my husband says he doesn't have time to express himself and that emoticons help him to express himself.

i think emoticons are dumb and lazy.  besides, the choices of emoticons are just dumb.  in gmail i think there is a crab that moves side to side?  when does one use that?  there's only two options:
1) we are having a crab boil down at the beach be there or be square (insert crab emoticon) or
2)  dear billy,
last night was fun but now my nether region is itchy as all get out you may want to check yourself before you wreck yourself (insert crab emoticon).

i received an email awhile back from my husband that read "thanks for the blowjob this morning" (insert pile of poop with a couple of flies circling emoticon).  now, i will admit that had he not included the emoticon i would have thought he was having an affair.

there needs to be new emoji, or like neo-cons, neo-moticons.  like the pity face people give me when i tell them i have cancer, a sort of serious face with lips together and sides of the mouth pulled slightly down and concern in their eyes.  or disappointment- disgust face, like the one my mom gave me when i was in college and in an act of rebellion i refused to shave my legs and wore a short dress to a family friends wedding.  she said it all with the eyes and clenched jaw.  oooh i have another neomoji idea, the walk of shame, what should that look like?  not like this:

information desk person 

after one minute of research i found the above stupid emoji she apparently is "holding out her hand as if she were a waitress carrying an invisible tray of drinks.  often used for a variety of other interpretations, such as sassiness or sarcasm."  ohhh really, cause all food servers have attitude?  information desk person is the icon of sassy? here's what the emoticon should like: