i recall cavalierly writing awhile back that i didn't wish to do chemo. but i wish to be alive. but the downside of life with cancer and chemo is that the life i have is quite a departure from the life i'm willing to subject myself to in order to stay alive. and i have to reconcile that i am trading death for feeling queasy, peeing out my ass, fatigued and mostly bummed. fair trade? i guess. for now.
i barely slept last night, i laid awake thinking about how sad it must be for my family to accompany me to the hospital. and then i got sad.
but then i thought about how nice it is spending time with my family. we've had conversations that are more honest than i probably would've ever had if i hadn't been diagnosed with cancer. family members' that would never dine together due to break ups and divorce all gather at my table like we are all one great big family. it's kind of nice.
and i consider my friends as family. wow. my friends have been generous with their time, their concern, their humor and their pocketbooks. and i am humbled by you. it makes me feel like maybe i'm not such a douche after all. but i don't know how to repay your kindness other than to simply say thank you.
thank you.
today my dad accompanied me to treatment. he drives a different route than my mom does when she accompanies me. my dad just gets us there. my mom acts like she forgets how to get there, everytime. we've been going to the same hospital since 2009.
so my dad and i goto breakfast after treatment and i am able to choke down a little bit of food when a james taylor song comes over the loudspeaker. and i leaned in and said to my dad, "if james taylor were here right now i'd stab him in the cheek with my fork, i fucking hate james taylor" and i pretended to stab myself in the cheek with my fork.
my dad looked at me, smiled and said "i wonder if that's genetic? because i can't stand james taylor either."
it's a good day to be alive.
4 comments:
Oh my God, that picture is hysterical. Thinking of you. Love you.
PS I was going to invite you to the James Taylor concert coming to Fargo but I'm guessing you're not interested?
oh sis, do you think that pic is of james taylor fending off carly simon?
Thinking of you, Nicole. You're definitely not a douche. I had a student recently use that word to describe a fictional character on a paper she turned in! The character in question did in fact probably qualify, but I was shocked to read "douchebag" written out by a quiet 13 year old. (She did not know the original meaning.) That photo is hilarious!
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