winter 2017

                                     

                                           lost planet

i dig winter.  i especially dig being out in it, i don't know if it is the landscape aesthetic i find appealing or the fact that noone else seems to be out in it, and i have the forests and rivers to myself.  i can call to the wild and laugh and slip and spin on the ice.  i feel alive in winter, always have.  but i've really felt alive this winter.  as if the bony hand of the grim reaper tugged at the mummified cloth i'd been swaddled in and like opening a shade on the window to greet the morning, zip i was suddenly unrolled-unzipped and all that was left was me naked and raw with mega scars outside and in.  but i also had this unbridled love for those near and dear to me.  especially for my mom and my husband whose love keeps me warm.

river coon

in fact i was so in love with my husband that i asked him if he would like to renew our vows on our 5th anniversary which is friday january 20.  i said that i'd really like to have his kids, walt and emma there as they've always expressed disappointment at not being at our small wedding.  i asked him this in november.  he clenched his teeth and sucked air through them and indicated doubt.  i was devastated.  it made me feel like he cared for me out of a sense of duty rather than love.  and i had fallen for my caretaker husband, not my husband.  but he didn't explain himself so i mistakenly took it as he was maybe hoping i wouldn't survive and he could be done with all this.

but he says that's not it, yet i'm still unclear as to what it is.  i can't help but think he's had his fill and wants a life unencumbered by disease and fear and the financial struggles that go along with this.  as i stated in my previous post i am just now getting a sense of the toll this has taken on those close to me, and for him especially it was devastating.

and this no evidence of disease or ned is brand fucking new, and maybe he needs sometime to let it soak in or shake it off?  i don't know.  i am really trying to be patient but feeling that good and in love, and then to be halted at the entrance gate to what i thought was the next chapter with all those feelings-SUCKED.  do you know how long it has been since i felt that good and in love?  maybe never.

river coon

just two days prior to my latest scan results of ned, i was with my husband in omaha participating in last rites over his dying aunt marge.  can you imagine?  i honestly thought well soon there will be a gathering around me where people will hopefully be telling jokes and not absolving me of my sins, as i thought i was a goner.

but here i am, rockin' like a hurricane, with a husband who may or may not wish to continue on life's journey with me.  which saddens me of course.  he doesn't owe me anything.  i just wanted the opportunity to participate in life with him sans side-effects or cancer and not have to rely so much on him.  i want the opportunity to care for him.

we all have our stuff.  my husband marty isn't baggage free, and my disease possibly exacerbated some of his ills around his baggage, or the bags got heavier due to neglect, because i was the focus.  whatever it is, it is being looked at.  and he is focusing on himself right now.  we are on a diet/fast which is a lot of no's-no caffeine, alcohol, sugar, dairy, wheat, eggs and news.  mostly a vegan diet for the month of january plus marty just completed a 3 day fast over this past holiday weekend, and i think it was very powerful for him, and i am very proud of him.

'big bottom talk about mud flaps my dog's got 'em'

what does this all mean?  it means my pants are falling off of me; and i will continue with this diet and exercise and meditating and journaling.  it means i'm gonna keep on keepin' on.  i'm going to participate in the women's march this saturday, not in dc but in dsm.  continue to go on long walks with this big dog, who by the way asked me if this picture made his butt look big?  i said yep, cuz da truf will set you free.  and i will do my best to keep beatin' my feet on the path of love.