Monday, January 12, 2015
Saturday, January 10, 2015
neo-moticons
i fucking loathe emoticons (insert pinched yellow face).
i think they are akin to a 2nd grade teacher writing "good job shelby" with a red sharpie and a smiley face : ) on shelby's spelling test. my husband uses a lot of emoticons in his emails and texts, so i asked him why? he says it is sometimes hard to infer the tone of a text or email, and emoticons can be employed to help convey a feeling of an otherwise flat message.
so i said "ok, are you telling me that when i texted you 'i love you' sans emoticon, you didn't get the sentiment?" what the fuck have people been doing for centuries writing long love letters across continents and oceans expressing their undying love for one another, doing it without emoticons. my husband says he doesn't have time to express himself and that emoticons help him to express himself.
i think emoticons are dumb and lazy. besides, the choices of emoticons are just dumb. in gmail i think there is a crab that moves side to side? when does one use that? there's only two options:
1) we are having a crab boil down at the beach be there or be square (insert crab emoticon) or
2) dear billy,
last night was fun but now my nether region is itchy as all get out you may want to check yourself before you wreck yourself (insert crab emoticon).
i received an email awhile back from my husband that read "thanks for the blowjob this morning" (insert pile of poop with a couple of flies circling emoticon). now, i will admit that had he not included the emoticon i would have thought he was having an affair.
there needs to be new emoji, or like neo-cons, neo-moticons. like the pity face people give me when i tell them i have cancer, a sort of serious face with lips together and sides of the mouth pulled slightly down and concern in their eyes. or disappointment- disgust face, like the one my mom gave me when i was in college and in an act of rebellion i refused to shave my legs and wore a short dress to a family friends wedding. she said it all with the eyes and clenched jaw. oooh i have another neomoji idea, the walk of shame, what should that look like? not like this:
i think they are akin to a 2nd grade teacher writing "good job shelby" with a red sharpie and a smiley face : ) on shelby's spelling test. my husband uses a lot of emoticons in his emails and texts, so i asked him why? he says it is sometimes hard to infer the tone of a text or email, and emoticons can be employed to help convey a feeling of an otherwise flat message.
so i said "ok, are you telling me that when i texted you 'i love you' sans emoticon, you didn't get the sentiment?" what the fuck have people been doing for centuries writing long love letters across continents and oceans expressing their undying love for one another, doing it without emoticons. my husband says he doesn't have time to express himself and that emoticons help him to express himself.
i think emoticons are dumb and lazy. besides, the choices of emoticons are just dumb. in gmail i think there is a crab that moves side to side? when does one use that? there's only two options:
1) we are having a crab boil down at the beach be there or be square (insert crab emoticon) or
2) dear billy,
last night was fun but now my nether region is itchy as all get out you may want to check yourself before you wreck yourself (insert crab emoticon).
i received an email awhile back from my husband that read "thanks for the blowjob this morning" (insert pile of poop with a couple of flies circling emoticon). now, i will admit that had he not included the emoticon i would have thought he was having an affair.
there needs to be new emoji, or like neo-cons, neo-moticons. like the pity face people give me when i tell them i have cancer, a sort of serious face with lips together and sides of the mouth pulled slightly down and concern in their eyes. or disappointment- disgust face, like the one my mom gave me when i was in college and in an act of rebellion i refused to shave my legs and wore a short dress to a family friends wedding. she said it all with the eyes and clenched jaw. oooh i have another neomoji idea, the walk of shame, what should that look like? not like this:
information desk person
after one minute of research i found the above stupid emoji she apparently is "holding out her hand as if she were a waitress carrying an invisible tray of drinks. often used for a variety of other interpretations, such as sassiness or sarcasm." ohhh really, cause all food servers have attitude? information desk person is the icon of sassy? here's what the emoticon should like:
Sunday, December 14, 2014
fat albert wouldn't roofie me, would he?
one time this successful smooth talkin' black dude took an interest in me, and my talent as a smooth talkin' white girl. he said he would love to help me hone my skills and would even put me in touch with some movers and shakers type folks to kickstart my career.
i thought fuckin' a.
he said that i should come to his house to talk about some ins and outs and best practices of the business.
i say fuckin' a outloud.
when i arrived he offered me a jello pudding pop, normally i would say no but it was summertime and it was butterscotch flavored. i ate half of it and then woke up in the backseat of a cab wearing only a man's xxl i spy t-shirt and panties and my clothes in a grocery bag at my side.
i said hey hey hey, what happened?
the aforementioned is fictional, fortunately for me but for approximately dozens of women it is/was a fucked up scary reality.
i loved fat albert and mushmouth, still do. i watched the huxtables and listened to the patriarchal rapist spout morality tales. bill cosby is a misogynist piece of chocolate pudding, who will get his just desserts.
i thought fuckin' a.
he said that i should come to his house to talk about some ins and outs and best practices of the business.
i say fuckin' a outloud.
when i arrived he offered me a jello pudding pop, normally i would say no but it was summertime and it was butterscotch flavored. i ate half of it and then woke up in the backseat of a cab wearing only a man's xxl i spy t-shirt and panties and my clothes in a grocery bag at my side.
i said hey hey hey, what happened?
the aforementioned is fictional, fortunately for me but for approximately dozens of women it is/was a fucked up scary reality.
i loved fat albert and mushmouth, still do. i watched the huxtables and listened to the patriarchal rapist spout morality tales. bill cosby is a misogynist piece of chocolate pudding, who will get his just desserts.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
breaking bad xmas style
i've been thinking a lot about what is worthy to write about. i mean in the sense of what is this i am sharing? is it a commentary on our culture? is it a diary? is it well written? is it worth the time? is it worth all 6, count 'em 6 followers time? for me it is. so all of the above describes it, except for maybe the well written. but i'm working on that, i guess that's what this blog is, practice. my best friend regaled me with what my overachiever odd aunt said to her in class for her masters degree- "this isn't a dress rehearsal, this is your life". good advice. but i guess there really isn't a whole helluvalot of practice in life. how are you supposed to practice for marriage? by shacking up and sharing bills and domestic duties, as well as the minutae of the daily dread, then add a mortgage, maybe kids and a lil' pinch of good old fashioned resentment now and then and NOBODY would marry after that type of practice. how are you supposed to practice for an illness? you don't, you go along your path and don't think about it until it happens. practice is on life's stage, without good lighting and an orchestra.
my husband and i are revisiting the show breaking bad. i loved it the first go around, although never having had cable i watched it intermittentantly at friends or rented it. i missed entire seasons, but still loved it. my husband and i watched the shows last episode at mayo clinic, we hadn't seen any of the final season but still loved it.
breaking bad was good because of many things: the story; the writing; the non-linear telling of that story; the acting; the editing; jesse, poor jesse.
but a standout for me on this my second go around is the cancer diagnosis of walter white and his actions as a result of his stage 3b lung cancer diagnosis. you see i get walter white. i get walter white because we both have cancer AND we both had the same surgery on our lung. i know this because in season 2 he is in the shower and has the same giant scar as me. my husband and i shared a knowing glance when we saw the scar. i've tried to find a picture of what a wedge thoracotomy scar looks like to share, but none are like mine and walter white's. so close your eyes and picture a 7" nike swoosh on flesh. a 7" swoosh on your body changes you. not only physically but mentally and emotionally and psychically. jesse asks walter white in the pilot episode how a straight guy with a giant stick up his ass suddenly breaks bad? and walter white answers that he's awake.
well my husband and i woke up the saturday after thanksgiving and found ourselves at a christmas tree farm along with a zillion other christmas consumers. first we walked the rows of douglas firs in the mud, helping my mom and step dad try to find a tree, it was crazy. the prices seemed outlandish, even a midget charlie brown tree was $85.
$85 motherfuckin' dollars. they opted not to buy. i went to the barn where garland was sold and they had one bundle left. the guy asks me how much i wanted and i said 20-25', he said well this is 25 feet right here, and it's the last of the garland but it's $2/foot, so $50 bucks. my husband didn't bat an eye, i think he was just trying to make me happy, so he hands me the credit card and i take the garland into santa's workshop where the transactions take place. there were 50 kids running about and 50 adults ahead of me in line. i waited for 5 minutes and the line never moved. so i walked out with the garland in hand, placed the bundle in the back of the car like i had paid for it and we were off. wtf?
it is pretty and all, the garland with lights and ornaments adorning the trim. at first i felt guilty, and thought what type of asshole steals xmas? the grinch, of course (full disclosure, i share my birthday with theodore geisel), and the dudes who broke into my dad's house and stole all our presents under the tree when i was 14. but now i don't feel so bad, fuck it. plus it's just practice, right?
follow up: i got my LTE published based on a previous post here on 39th st. AND a dude responded to me with his own LTE , it's the last one.
my husband and i are revisiting the show breaking bad. i loved it the first go around, although never having had cable i watched it intermittentantly at friends or rented it. i missed entire seasons, but still loved it. my husband and i watched the shows last episode at mayo clinic, we hadn't seen any of the final season but still loved it.
breaking bad was good because of many things: the story; the writing; the non-linear telling of that story; the acting; the editing; jesse, poor jesse.
but a standout for me on this my second go around is the cancer diagnosis of walter white and his actions as a result of his stage 3b lung cancer diagnosis. you see i get walter white. i get walter white because we both have cancer AND we both had the same surgery on our lung. i know this because in season 2 he is in the shower and has the same giant scar as me. my husband and i shared a knowing glance when we saw the scar. i've tried to find a picture of what a wedge thoracotomy scar looks like to share, but none are like mine and walter white's. so close your eyes and picture a 7" nike swoosh on flesh. a 7" swoosh on your body changes you. not only physically but mentally and emotionally and psychically. jesse asks walter white in the pilot episode how a straight guy with a giant stick up his ass suddenly breaks bad? and walter white answers that he's awake.
well my husband and i woke up the saturday after thanksgiving and found ourselves at a christmas tree farm along with a zillion other christmas consumers. first we walked the rows of douglas firs in the mud, helping my mom and step dad try to find a tree, it was crazy. the prices seemed outlandish, even a midget charlie brown tree was $85.
$85 motherfuckin' dollars. they opted not to buy. i went to the barn where garland was sold and they had one bundle left. the guy asks me how much i wanted and i said 20-25', he said well this is 25 feet right here, and it's the last of the garland but it's $2/foot, so $50 bucks. my husband didn't bat an eye, i think he was just trying to make me happy, so he hands me the credit card and i take the garland into santa's workshop where the transactions take place. there were 50 kids running about and 50 adults ahead of me in line. i waited for 5 minutes and the line never moved. so i walked out with the garland in hand, placed the bundle in the back of the car like i had paid for it and we were off. wtf?
it is pretty and all, the garland with lights and ornaments adorning the trim. at first i felt guilty, and thought what type of asshole steals xmas? the grinch, of course (full disclosure, i share my birthday with theodore geisel), and the dudes who broke into my dad's house and stole all our presents under the tree when i was 14. but now i don't feel so bad, fuck it. plus it's just practice, right?
follow up: i got my LTE published based on a previous post here on 39th st. AND a dude responded to me with his own LTE , it's the last one.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
i am grateful for this song and performance
i wish to thank billy preston, on this holiday, for his simple and simply beautiful version of george harrison's my sweet lord. thank you billy. ladies and gents, for your listening and viewing pleasure i give you billy:
gobble gobble
n
gobble gobble
n
Friday, November 14, 2014
politics and personal
dear michael gartner your irritating piece on how bruce braley is no tom harkin should've been left on the cutting room floor and replaced with an ad for men's erectile dysfunction. but wait, it really was an ad for ED, but i'm not sure if it is for yours or braley's? did you really quote the washington post? do you believe everything you read? of course a right leaning newspaper said it talked to democratic "senior official" who called braley arrogant, and you bought it and then you sold it again. and grassley is off limits because he "makes us feel comfortable about the world"? fact: a farmer who never went to law school is being considered to chair the senate judiciary committee. what about that is scandalous? that somebody said it out loud? why does grassley live in a bubble, because he is 800 years old? grassley makes me feel itchy, he's like that crazy geezer grandpa in the corner at a thanksgiving gathering spouting folksy colloquialisms, kinda cute until you have to sit next to him. time to pass the baton grassley.
before bruce braley became a public servant he was a big brother volunteer with the big brothers and big sisters organization in waterloo. he mentored a boy who became very sick and as a result required a lengthy medical treatment at the university of iowa hospitals in iowa city. the little brother's family did not have the means to take time off work to be with their son in iowa city without risking losing their job. you know who went and slept at the hospital and worked from his "little brother's" hospital room? yes, that arrogant son of a bitch bruce braley did.
so no, braley is no harkin and you mr gartner are no joseph pulitzer.
before bruce braley became a public servant he was a big brother volunteer with the big brothers and big sisters organization in waterloo. he mentored a boy who became very sick and as a result required a lengthy medical treatment at the university of iowa hospitals in iowa city. the little brother's family did not have the means to take time off work to be with their son in iowa city without risking losing their job. you know who went and slept at the hospital and worked from his "little brother's" hospital room? yes, that arrogant son of a bitch bruce braley did.
so no, braley is no harkin and you mr gartner are no joseph pulitzer.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
ebola and republicans
not to worry republicans, the only people who are catching ebola in the u.s. are those that are helping others with the virus, so you are safe.
is that why iowa went red? because iowans hate helping others who need access to affordable health care? why is the affordable care act a hot potato that republicans want to throw back into obama's face? because corporations bottom lines are being affected? so are those same corporations anonymously funding republicans in the hopes that the affordable care act will be repealed?
iowa went red in the 2014 u.s. senate race possibly because braley was out spent 2 to 1, and he shared a fact about grandpa grassley that was caught on tape and crafted into a commercial that made him look bad when taken out of context and manipulated. even my own mother said "he shouldn't have said that". said what? the truth? fyi grassley is a farmer. iowans you have the 2010 supreme court case citizens united v FEC aka "citizens blindsided" to thank for the onslaught of negative ads by outside entities. in 2013 braley said "dark money is destroying the election process" . now that alone may not be the sole reason ernst won, but let's be real, big money and dark money sure did a helluva job spinning and selling her er their platforms.
when asked about dark money and negative ads on ipr joni ernst replied "i just can't watch tv". as if all the ads were negative towards her. god dammit.
iowa went red in every congressional district except loebsack's? oh iowa city and davenport....
iowa just can't get enough of the moustache governor. thanks jack hatch for running a fake gubernatorial race so's you can be a contender in 2016 for u.s. senate. why should we vote for you in 2016, as you don't give a hoot about iowans in 2014? all about jack you is. i helped clean his house years ago and in his home office above his desk on the wall are two pictures: one is of the iowa state senate chamber; the other is a picture of marshall mathers aka eminem. i've got nothing except maybe hatch wishes he was black.
staci appel was pretty awful in the debates, and i lost interest in her when she said she would not support legalizing marijuana, yet i still voted for her. now young and grassley can help each other man-scape their backs in d.c. and landscape their lawns in iowa for their 2016 campaign ads.
oy. i don't really know what else to say, but $100 million was spent on the u.s. senate race in north carolina. i'm certain that money could've been used for other more worthy endeavors like education or infrastructure or a giant 8 ball. last night my husband and i watched the documentary the art of the steal and this morning my husband commented that the outcome of yesterdays midterm elections are quite similar to the documentary. a comparison i think quite appropos in that this sea of red is not necessarily a result of what the people want, but the outcome of what big money makes you think you want. i recommend you watch it.
is that why iowa went red? because iowans hate helping others who need access to affordable health care? why is the affordable care act a hot potato that republicans want to throw back into obama's face? because corporations bottom lines are being affected? so are those same corporations anonymously funding republicans in the hopes that the affordable care act will be repealed?
iowa went red in the 2014 u.s. senate race possibly because braley was out spent 2 to 1, and he shared a fact about grandpa grassley that was caught on tape and crafted into a commercial that made him look bad when taken out of context and manipulated. even my own mother said "he shouldn't have said that". said what? the truth? fyi grassley is a farmer. iowans you have the 2010 supreme court case citizens united v FEC aka "citizens blindsided" to thank for the onslaught of negative ads by outside entities. in 2013 braley said "dark money is destroying the election process" . now that alone may not be the sole reason ernst won, but let's be real, big money and dark money sure did a helluva job spinning and selling her er their platforms.
when asked about dark money and negative ads on ipr joni ernst replied "i just can't watch tv". as if all the ads were negative towards her. god dammit.
iowa went red in every congressional district except loebsack's? oh iowa city and davenport....
iowa just can't get enough of the moustache governor. thanks jack hatch for running a fake gubernatorial race so's you can be a contender in 2016 for u.s. senate. why should we vote for you in 2016, as you don't give a hoot about iowans in 2014? all about jack you is. i helped clean his house years ago and in his home office above his desk on the wall are two pictures: one is of the iowa state senate chamber; the other is a picture of marshall mathers aka eminem. i've got nothing except maybe hatch wishes he was black.
staci appel was pretty awful in the debates, and i lost interest in her when she said she would not support legalizing marijuana, yet i still voted for her. now young and grassley can help each other man-scape their backs in d.c. and landscape their lawns in iowa for their 2016 campaign ads.
oy. i don't really know what else to say, but $100 million was spent on the u.s. senate race in north carolina. i'm certain that money could've been used for other more worthy endeavors like education or infrastructure or a giant 8 ball. last night my husband and i watched the documentary the art of the steal and this morning my husband commented that the outcome of yesterdays midterm elections are quite similar to the documentary. a comparison i think quite appropos in that this sea of red is not necessarily a result of what the people want, but the outcome of what big money makes you think you want. i recommend you watch it.
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