oncologist thinks it could be an infection (per visit wed.). which is what i had hoped was true last time, but was instead a fistful of cancer. things i've never done: been fisted, robbed a bank, eaten at red lobster, spawned, read "one hundred years of solitude" in spanish, floated in the mediterranean, bought watering willy, had a coffee enema, been party to a cleveland steamer, etc, etc......i'm straight trippin' boo. i can't sleep past 3am, and when i go to sleep i've been hearing myself make this sound as i drift off and i can't shake it. is it my death rattle?
it's 420pm where's my fucking pipe?
been home for a few hours post oncology consult after a morning scan and guess what? yep the mel and me chronicle continues. blows. i knew it, but god dammit i want off this ride.
when i was a little girl about 10 or 11 my grandma on my mom's side started taking me on the double ferris wheel at the fair. nobody else would go with her, because it's kinda scary, exhileratingly scary which is why i think she liked it. i liked it because it was something only she and i shared. she would rock the seat when we were stuck on the top wheel waiting for other fair goers to load and unload and that always made me white knuckle the safety bar and she would laugh. sounds sadistic and it was, but it was also part of the fun.
after my grandma died of cancer, my mom and i were at the fair and she wanted to honor the tradition by accompanying me on the double ferris wheel. i've never heard a human make those noises before. my mom sounded like an opossum that was being cornered by animal control outside a chipotle at the mall. it was all i could do to get the carny's attention. we were on the part of the ride where the double ferris wheel is behaving like it is one big wheel, so we are sweeping past the carny where kggo is blasting and i'm leaning over the side of the basket waving my hand saying "excuse me" then whoosh up we go, more groaning, we arc then back down, "hello, excuse me", whoosh up arc then back down and as we are about to sweep past the carny i yell "help!" while making the international sign for your dead by sliding my index finger across my throat. that got his attention.
it wasn't easy but i got us off the ride. i don't think i'm getting off this ride of melanoma. i can feel tumors growing inside of me, it is painful and scary as fuck. we are still awaiting clearance from insurance for melanoma drugs. and in the meantime i feel the weight of everyones concern, and the sadness in my father's voice was like a gut punch. it has to be easier to have your child fall accidentally into the grand canyon than watch them die of cancer? maybe why i'm saying that is....let's play the game would you rather. would you rather die a slow death from a terminal disease OR trip and fall to your death from the north rim of the grand canyon? um alex i will take grand canyon for $1000.
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