yesterday

seriously, what do you do with a day that greets you with paralyzing pain and you are fairly certain the treatment you are on to keep you around for a bit longer doesn't seem to be working?  do you gobble pain killers and shuffle into the tv room and see what that wacky al roker is up to?  or do you cry out of fear and pain and sadness until you pass out?  or do you crumple into your spouse's arms and scare the shit out of him and he stays home from work to take care of you?

mostly you just want the pain to go away, so you manage the pain.  as soon as the pain of the prevailing winds of cancer are calmed, now you can see straight, and perhaps even think straight. for now.  you are left with the fact that this is probably how it is going to go down, and i've known about it, hell i've written about it, i've talked about it.  but i'm probably just like a lot of people who have said to me "you actually think you are going to die?" because they doubted my sincerity, or thought i was crying wolf or most likely wish to be spared from talk like that.

even though i've been talking about my own death for awhile it is still a topic both my parents have a hard time finding the right vocabulary for.  they both responded to me yesterday like they had a bad connection on the phone, and were having difficulty hearing me.  i had to tell my mom that our trip to central america will not be happening, and she said "well if it isn't central america we will find another place to go."  which doesn't fit the conversation.  then my mom said, " should i come home?"  she's out of town, and apparently wont be returning for another two weeks, unless i say i need her.

i don't know how i'm supposed to say it more clearly but i just shared with her that i didn't think the treatment was working and that the pain is excruciating and that i could barely walk.  now on top of all that i'm supposed to say "mom cut your vacation short because i'm dying"?  hasn't that been implied?  see what i mean by a bad connection.

i don't really need her here.  it just confirms my belief that if you live in denial then you have a hard time recognizing reality when it surfaces.

but to be honest even though i have been talking about dying from cancer, it doesn't exclude me from the next week club- death is nigh, but not until next week.  shit i've been living with this since 2009, and i've known in my gut it will get me, but when it knocked at my door yesterday i got really scared.

but the good news is i think the chemo/treatment may be working?  a little?  i'm scheduled for every three weeks a cocktail of opdiva/yervoy administered via iv.  so maybe a little more time.  to spend with my mom.  wink wink.